When Anger

What once was a spark of an engine that propelled me out of unhealthy situations is now burning out of control and threatens to consume me whole.

Anger, a defining quality? A tool to protect and build boundaries? Yes, but heavy boundaries, weights on my soul, barriers to forgiveness.

What else has this rote defensive mechanism heightened in me? Hidden from me?

Physically it feels like I can’t breathe and can see only the black hole of my purse, dragging me down into panic. I am shaky, enraged, deeply wounded and looking to wound.

No more is anger safely sparking the engine of my life. I need a softening fuel.

I want to dream and do. But I have to melt this pit-deep rock of anger buried deeply inside, first.

What can quench these flames and carry me home? Forgiveness feels impossible. Acceptance feels like giving in. Yet I know these are both steps I must take. I can’t seem to find the path through the smoke of my anger, clouding my vision, my senses, stoking my fear.

I think the first step is laying down the anger but it has been my companion for so long, I don’t feel equipped to say goodbye to it. I am scared to switch to a new fuel even though the angry old diesel is destroying my engine and inner peace.

“Usually we feel as if there is a big problem and we must run off and fix it. The instruction is to stop. Do something unfamiliar. Do anything other than returning to your old ways, up to the same old tricks.” Pema Chodrin

What would that even look like… Abandoning hope and fear to sit with the ugly scorched earth of my soul? To love it’s scorchedness, not for its potential but for its barrenness. To feel life and all of its pain and beauty without trying to trade one for the other. Anger for peace is not an equitable trade, but it is an achievable one.

A path to forgiveness, A step on my journey.

All right, let’s do this.

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